sapphist.

2005-09-24T00:10:00.000+08:00

rockson rules! shall try to talk lk him for one post!

here goes nothing.

fuck la, bloody exam! si mi sai they test me. as if i fucking study that hard to remember all the cheebye terms. all my results like fuck already still want to fuck it up some more for me. school has always been cheebye, results also! bad like hell still can go good class with all the fucking smart people. make me feel even more like shit on the floor.

oh my. i cannot make it. i must take my hats off for ROCKSON! you rules.

haha. anyway, margaritas for $15 a jug anyone? treat me! i am seriously broke and my mum doesn't want to give me allowance.

ANYWAY. exams as you can tell are not going very smoothly for me, i guess i jsut cannot be bothered anymore, at least this time.

i wish i could write more fluently this time round but my constant maple playing is giving me a serious headache, in fact lots of things are.

to answer one of the comments, i didn't ARRIVE at my sexuality. i was it all along. hmm. of course i have thought of reverting, because as a homosexual, i deal with alot of shit. from friends, people who judged, family. but i have never gone back on my decision to be openly gay, because i am happier this way and those people who accepts truly cares.

2005-09-16T00:15:00.000+08:00

i have been un-attached for (let's see 1,2,3,4...) close to a year? haha. quite pathetic. i miss having someone. yet i do not miss the insecurities. i guessed she did deal me a big big blow. tsunami she did on my future relationships. xiaotou (small head) is trying to matchmake me to this girl, we're going out tomorrow to walawala to HAVOC!! haha. no la, to listen to some band. i feel excited yet guilty at the same time. maybe it is that i have feelings for this girl that i know i will never be with. is it bad to like someone yet go meet other people? isn't my freedom? doesn't being single depict that there is no commitment to the other person? do feelings necessarily mean commitment?

i don't know. so to that girl, i'm sorry. but i need to get over you.

to the day we'll never know. tomorrow.

2005-09-14T23:41:00.000+08:00

how many of us can say proudly that we have lived our lives? to not regret anything that you haven't done, or haven't said. at least i know it'll be sometime before i can achieve that. there are so many things that i want to do and say but there are so many constraints. i think my concious mind and my subconcious are on a totally different level, sometimes i think WITHOUT knowing what i think. i just stare into space knowing that i am thinking but not what about. ahaha.

will i ever be able to die happily? to have someone who knows me inside out and still want to be with me? to ever hug another warm body just to feel safe from the world?

sigh.

depression and laziness will be my downfall.

2005-05-13T00:56:00.000+08:00

And he was angry at himself for not giving up, even though he knew what he hoped for could never be.

maybe that sums up all that i feel right now. quoted from "love lives" a new book i bought at a book fair quite recently.

sigh. life goes on.

the trinity

2005-04-19T01:25:00.000+08:00

several friends have said before that i am a person who conceals feelings. that i am not as happy as i seem to be. a recent, somewhat similiar, comment occurred and it set me thinking. am i really that unhappy and do i really cover up what i feel?

hmmm.

maybe i am, i am no more of a thinker than i am a worrier. i.e. whatever i think, i worry about.

it's hard for me to pen down exactly what i think or feel, and it leads me to ponder if i really do have alter-egos. from the first year in JC, i had the idea that there were these two main conflicting 'emotions' in my mind. and it felt like two other alter-egos fighting with each other on any matter that plagued my thoughts. subsequently, i named them. the one filled with constant despair is called jules, and the one filled with constant rage is named daemon. and the me inside, just smiles cause i have no idea what is going on.

they only seem to dominate when things around me go awry, or something happened that makes me think/worry about, people that say insensitive things. the list goes on.

bad stuff like the above are occurring at a slower rate now, so i don't feel their presence much. and it is only when they appear that i am unhappy.

i just realised that i sound like a motherfucking crazy person. well, i am a borderline psychopath. so don't piss me off.

when the cookie crumbled

2005-04-18T02:33:00.000+08:00

whenever i lie in bed to go to sleep at night, i've always had this feeling inside me. this pain that doesn't go away. an ache from deep within. and today i realised that it started not too long ago, ever since i had that nightmare. though i do not remember the dream in detail, i do know that it made me wake up with tears in my eyes. it will be hard to describe but it was a pot of depressing feelings that left me devastated (even until now).

suffering in silence has become common practice for me, and i do not wish for anyone to want to listen to my two cents' worth of ramblings. but what i dreamt, if it were to come true, would be too much for me to bear with the emotional and mental state that i am in. from that dream, that lasted in dream time about 10 minutes, was enough for me to really understand a few things. that sometimes it is possible to be disappointed even if you knew it was bound to happen, that it will never be enough, and that how painful it would be to be too attached to a person.

i never did blog about the dream, cause i wanted to do was to forget it. but it seems i never will.

tonight what inspired me to blog was that on the way back home, i was thinking to myself that maybe i would really not find anyone and wither away slowly to the abyss of solitude. and this train of thought led me to the conclusion that i am afraid of being lonely. but to what extents and the definition of being lonely, i am not quite sure. i do know that i cannot without company.

what was the interesting afterthought was that i could live alone based on one ~~flaw~~ factor, that i am not a person who would readily open herself to 'love' from others.

this may confused you or already have, but i will try my best to explain. maybe it is not 100% true to say that i do not have any self-esteem, so let's just say i have a very small and fragile ego. and from a very bad and sour relationship, i was quoted to be "emotionally and mentally abused". my trust for people's fidelity has gone down the drain together with my faith to love wholeheartedly again. having been belittled again and again, i have developed a natural response for my esteem, urm, growth. anything that happened or i did that boosted my ego would cause a reflex somewhere deep in my cerebullum to backfire on that boost. like a homeostasis of the brain. so i am stuck somewhere between stupid and pathetic. well, we're all there at a point in life.

so when i do develop some sort of feelings for another person, i start to wonder how can i ever compare to her, how can i ever provide all that she needs, how can i be all that she'll ever want. and any remote hope that she may reciprocate are soon extinguished by the response team in my central nervous system. so then i shy away, i lose contact and faith, and then i try to give up. because it'll never be.

haunted constantly by thoughts of better days, i can never develop a liking for these lonely times.

understand what i mean when i say "anyone who will be with you, would be the luckiest person in the world."

when i laugh with you
how time swiftly flies
if you were to love someone too
i will smile with tears in my eyes
although words held us apart
while you held my heart

i once wrote this; "the smile in your eyes leaves me mesmerised. the fondness in my heart, unspoken as we part."

enough said. i feel tired and drained. out.

2005-04-12T23:18:00.000+08:00

after being a fairly loyal visitor to popagandhi for quite a while now. i realised that there are some dialect words that just cannot be translated into english. like gek. "she gek-ed me just now until i almost wanted to cough up blood." words that come close are, frustrated, pissed, chargrined, miffed.

it's been a while. i have attended motorbike lessons despite much protests from several friends, and i can only conclude that it is freaking fun! well, we'll see, it's only the first lesson. back again on sat. hopefully, i can pass quickly, pray religously for my dad to pay back my mum, and then get my own bike (sponsored by mum).

oh and those of you who have been waiting patiently for my exam to end (me included), this friday is D-day. so far, not so good. hmm, well, nobody really expected me to get wonderful, out-of-this-world grades. so guess i'll just slide by. left with the god-forsaken maths, and my all-favourite anatomy and physiology. by friday 8pm, i am so finished with year one of my stupid poly diploma.

well well. money seems to be the root of all evil. but the book, i,lucifer, refers freedom to be the root of all evil. ah vell, one forever longs to be free.

will you free me?

2005-03-29T22:06:00.000+08:00

today i realised that the words "buy", "spend", "money" became sensitive words in my household since what seems like eternity. when will this financial hiccup go away? the guiness record for longest hiccup 'duration' was what? 15 years? hahaha. makes no connection somehow i guess.

i am a battologist with digression.

maybe i am really convincing myself that it is not possible between us, cause i just sent a heart to someone on fridae. HA. fat hope woman.

live long, die alone.

i think i should change the format of my blog.

2005-03-28T23:16:00.000+08:00

having "accidentally" seeing my dad today, it brought back some funny mix of feelings. the main ingredients of guilt and fear. having a bad haircut that made me look 'butch' did not help in this case, cause in my dad's eyes, women only wear stockings and blouses and fucking frocks with heels. after going through all the shit in hope of saving the lost relationship i had with a certain someone, i didn't want to hear any more from my dad. his expectations, or his dreams that i had to fufill.

all these 20 years, i cannot remember much happiness i have spent in my dad's company. my earliest childhood memory of him and my mum shouting in front of curious neighbours and perplexed policemen. i was one and all of that seems like a silent movie that replays everytime i think of my family.

he's always been pushing me to do extracurricular stuff. first it was the torturous piano, which i suffered in silence for more than 6 years, before bawling my eyes out and sobbing my grievances to my mum. its not that i didn't like piano, i was not just pushed, but shoved. i had the regular piano lessons, extra lessons with the teacher and ontop of that i had tuition for piano. all these cramped into one small weekend due to custody slotting. PLUS, i had chinese tuition which i won't complain about as i sucked in chinese.

besides this piano thorn in the butt (i know that some of you will kill to learn piano but i shan't digress and tell you what my dad told me that made me hate it with all my soul), over the course of my childhood, i have attended abacus, swimming, badminton, golf, 20 kinds of chinese tuition (read: to no avail), and many others. the only piece of memory of being a kid was when we were living in this bungalow that porch will flood everytime when it rains. we (me and my dad) would fold paper boats and set sail to their watery demise. i would also water without fail this bougainvillea (sp?), that was solely mine and felt so proud when it grew taller than the house. those were the days. but there was light before dark.

i seem to have family members that love torturing me mentally, not just family but exes too. i grew up and stayed a emotionally torn human. never knowing when to go or when to stay. in this place, this hole, this pit i feel so disgustingly comfortable in. i was built without an self esteem, self confidence, in other words, without a self. i always put people's interests before mine, or rather taking them to be my own. if anything, i will do it for you.

many people i knew, or know said that i am a great friend, and that i would be a even greater lover. sometimes i do wish it were true, but i think i will make the lousiest type of friend or lover. maybe that's my own opinion, but i haven't learnt to truly love myself yet. if i cannot do that, i cannot love other people. sometimes the nice doesn't always win.

if i am such a great friend, why do people always seem to forget me?

i digress too much. long long story cut short, as much as i want to be a 'good daughter' to my dad, as long as he doesn't accept me for me, i can never ever be good enough for him.

if i am to try to be with you, i know it won't work out, because i can never be good enough.

it's always never enough.

let me rest here in nowhere.

2005-03-27T21:47:00.000+08:00

the last time i felt like this, it ended in tears.

missing you not just for the way you look or the qualities that you have that i want in a person, but missing you for what you bring to me, the company, the euphoria. missing you for you.

i should just remove these excessive thoughts in my head, because someone like you shouldn't be with someone like me.

i am not one that can provide much, nor can i do much. in other words i don't have much to offer. thus, i should just keep my distance because i'm tasting too much heaven. i don't want to be the next icarus.

2005-03-26T20:20:00.000+08:00

i, somehow, have lost all sense of rage and anger towards homophobes and people that do not comprehend the gay (and les) community. the war has started in singapore, where people like us will fight for our rights. to refuse being discriminated, to stop accepting homosexuality as a flaw. and to start living our lives without compromise.

this world of stereotyping has got to stop. humans should well recognise that the boundaries between these "labels" that are imposed on themselves are blurred and fading with each passing day. be who your heart cries out to be.

it used to piss me that we (gay community) the community that speaks so loud for against discrimination, contradicts themselves by labelling themselves. we need to break this stupid and ridiculous labels ourselves before we can pursue gay rights.

i, personally, am breaking out of the cycle of labels. its hard at first when you are so used to being part of a herd. searching for the self within you is hard, that unique blend of influences that create a "you" hides for the fear of being rejected by society. though society do reject lots of stuff that do not fit into their "social norms". (but that's a story for another day)

coming from a generation who do not really care about what their friends like, wear, fantasizes, does, i was able to accept myself being a lesbian quite easily. but coming out as a lesbian at 16, i had to find acceptance in the lesbian community, one which i could call my friends my family. i saw and i imitated. labelled as a butch for years until half a year ago. i grew up not loving the body in which my soul lived in. i yearned to be a guy, to imitate how guys talk and walk. wear the clothes that they wear. until a recent revelation (which i remember vaguely, thus will not be brought up here), i realised that if i wanted to wear 'girls clothes', i would. but the thing is i do not want to. if one day, i find the want to, i would do it. masculinity does coexist with feminity for me, i learnt to allow the two to merge in order to remove this mask that i had on for so long.

it is, ultimately, being comfortable with yourself, both exterior and interior. love the body, love being you. "no label" is not what i want to be.

i just want to be me.

disclaimer: i am not narcissistic. i just like learning being myself, for it is like learning to take your first flight.

2005-03-02T20:38:00.000+08:00

i have found the love of my life!!! move aside vespa, the joker's here!!! hahahha, i love it absolutely love it. who is willing to sponsor me 3 K?! den i can go buy it!

haha.

yum.

i wanna eat it whole.

2005-02-27T18:02:00.000+08:00

i realise that this is the first time i put a title to any of my blog entries. but there will never be enough for everything. whatever i do for my academics, or whatever i do for people, whatever it is, it'll never ever be enough.

i don't have enough time too. tomorrow i have to hand in another report that i haven't even touched yet. tue i have to hand in CD evaluation. tue and wed i have a lab test. haha. and it is not even exam week.

though it is bittersweet that she is a friend with me all this way, i dread the day that when fate brings us apart. soon, will it?

i just want to spend more time with you, to know you, to understand you, to see you smile.

will it ever be possible for us to be together? i fear to know the answer, yet the question haunts my mind.

but it is true to say that i am happy, just the way we are.

2005-02-23T20:28:00.000+08:00

due to popular demand, i have decided to take some precious time off my frantic schedule to post this.

I have worked my ASS off the past 3 days doing stupid lengthy reports that go on forever. 2,600 words at last count for the last report. Done a total of 3, though i have no more reports to do, this is not the time to forget that i have my projects!! 3k words for a write up about digestive system by this fri. tomorrow i have a test, as well as next wed, not forgetting the CD evaluation thing on tue. haha. hw fucked am i. is first years supposed to put under so much stress? headaches galore these days. my brain has turned into mush and i feel like the living dead. well, enough about my problems, what about yours? haha.

oh yes and i have a freakin swollen finger due to excessive typing. yea rite, due to basketball collision. i need a hair cut also. need to have some fun.

and i need sleep. deprivation of it leads to total meltdown of brain cells.

nothing much going in my life right now. workworkworkwork makes me a dull person. blah, i am boring and bored. i need a bike too. and my driving license. i am screwed.

i need your shoulder to rest on.

tired, out.

2005-02-04T14:44:00.000+08:00

stand on a busy passageway, are the people around passing you by? yes? but think, you are also passing them by too.

instead, you become their environment.

warped and contradicting thoughts fill most part of my day now. i broke down mentally on wednesday, and haven't stopped drinking since last thurs. alcoholic? maybe. i'll stop when i want to.

8 freaking deadlines for me to meet. and i am not even halfway there.

maybe it is not as much as stagnancy that is bugging me, but where the fuck i want to go. there are just too many forks in the road that i am taking.

i know i am not stupid, but formal education is proving me wrong.

let's just be stupid. and rule the world laughing our silly heads off.

2005-01-30T21:53:00.000+08:00

my posts are getting shorter and shorter by the day. i guess life is becoming hectic and my instinct is to run and to simplify everything around. in other words, i procrastinate. my projects and reports are due after the term break. and the term break is definately not something that i want to spend doing all my work.

that leaves me this week. this week is already packed with the projects. dead man. i am rotting externally. i got ugly hair and colour. i am getting sloppy and there isn't a end in sight. if i am to go HK during april, i must buck up now and give my mum a reason to let me go. sponsor me too. then i am supposed to go learn driving/riding. i am undecided. i will die making this decision. think shall go bukit gombak. like faster. sigh. then the $$? died.

about her? nothing i can do anyway. but to enjoy every moment i spend with her while resisting the temptation to do anything silly. hahaha. just friends, at least for a long now. should be happy where i am, but somehow just unsatisfied, human nature is a funny thing.

need to do alot of stuff, with the little time i am left with.

dead

2005-01-29T23:29:00.000+08:00

heineken. tiger. baron's. hoegarden. erdinger. stellaartois. hollandia. breda. tsingtao. asahi. what do these names have in common? a friend in me. i love beer and beer loves me. hahahaha. on an alcoholic binge. stress maybe? and charls is in town. party ppl, it's friday night (every night).

stagnant is good, i think. maybe i am stepping to close to the edge for that piece of heaven.

2005-01-29T01:09:00.000+08:00

i am high. woohoo. all humans should be permanently hooked up to an alcohol dispenser. when was the last time i felt so light?

i hate to go back down to the ground tomorrow.

2005-01-26T23:24:00.000+08:00

spending time just by your side is good enough for me. i cannot be selfish and want more than what i have now. sometimes i wonder, whether one day, all that i imagine would come true.

i can't resist you even if i try.

high time to study study study my socks off.

2005-01-25T19:59:00.000+08:00

i am soooooooooooo freaking kanina-ly screwed over, left, right upside down. i have too many things to do in such a little time. sigh like 5000 reports and 2000 projects.

2005-01-24T13:03:00.000+08:00

my fucking bleeping mutha blooping CD player has officially konked out on me. on my hour of greatest need, especially when i have burnt a NEW freaking CD to listen this morning. fick fock fuck. erghh. why must everything piss me off!!!!! sigh. drip drip dripped soya bean milk all the way to T5 from FC1. what the hell can. follow the trail of sticky milk, and you will find me.

sigh, purple eggplants.

2005-01-23T23:11:00.000+08:00

urgh. missing miss missed. drop it like its hot. she hot like a boiling pot. hmm. test tomorrow and i am officially screwed. HAHAHA. good luck to me. boring blog entry for a boring day. yay i burnt a CD to accompany on my 'lonely' mrt ride to and fro. funky music. everyone should be educated with the music i listen to. woohoo. bhb. loong long looong day tomorrow, hope i can stay awake and study for the test during the other lectures that i am SUPPOSED to be listening to. hmm. moral dilemmas are all around. oh yes. i have ah beng hair, it was supposed to be purple but it has failed BADLY. will try again soon. saw a pressie for kaini's bdae. oh yes, my mum's bdae also coming ah. shit i am flat broke. i shld apply for bankruptcy. and i have to apply for car too. i saw MY DREAM CAR!! and it's affordable!!! toyota one!!! O.o

2005-01-22T01:24:00.000+08:00

i should be happy that i have her, at least as a friend. that should be good enough for me. no more selfish thoughts. no i won't be telling her cause i don't want my dreams to end just yet, or rather to spoil what we have now. :D cannot wait to see her and play tarot cards. kekeke.

2005-01-21T10:41:00.000+08:00

am on the process of getting ready to go to michelle's very nice condo to slack and perhaps take a dip. what lies in store i do not know. let's say if i do know what she wants, will it feel good to know?

too long drawn,
i'm out of form.
no looking back from,
the eye of the storm.

2005-01-20T19:30:00.000+08:00

i have no idea what to say today.

"your brain works on gears that have no cogs."

i quote unquote from my classmate. hmm. and i think too much. what may not happen now, may or may not happen in the future.

i am the warped mirror in the funny house.

2005-01-19T19:35:00.000+08:00

time to take it slow. at least with that aspect. others like school, i must speed up alot. haha, not that school's too slack for me it is that i am too slack for school. maybe i should turn buddhist, i like the Dharma's teachings. :D at least to some extent, i will try to do my best to pratice patience.

to appreciate the kindness of the enemy.

2005-01-18T22:00:00.000+08:00

Heart of Glass

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?

2005-01-18T21:16:00.000+08:00

i think i bring out the worst in people, seriously. i am the extremes in characters. i think i have a split personality. you know any psychiatrists? i would be an interesting subject to study.

sigh. i don't like eye contact.

-

why do i feel so fucked up nowadays? sigh, i think i am confused about everything now. everthing seems to pass by like a blur, a blotch in this thing i call my life.

should i just ask her if it is possible? i don't want the friendship to turn sour. and i don't want to appear as shallow. what the fuck am i supposed to do? what if i can just read her mind? sigh, it wouldn't help much, cause i do not even know if i want to know the answer.

that's too many questions with answers that i don't want to know. why do i torture myself like so.

i feel like a lousy person.

2005-01-17T22:20:00.000+08:00

i hate the way i feel.
it is not as easy as i thought it was.
high time to do something.

quick.

2005-01-16T01:55:00.000+08:00

Belonging

Back and forth
i am so lost
like a coin tossed
in time; paused

too many questions
slowly seeping in
a rush of emotions
underneath my skin

out of my reach
right before me
my limits are breached
i cannot breathe

lack of blind faith
i feel so afraid
what road will be paved
when perception fades

without your wings
i cannot take flight
to fear nothing
and soar new heights

hope is gone
without trying
all love forlorn
my heart crying

time to realise
it is all a fallacy
leading to demise
i should just let it be

no more running
no more fearing
the endless dream chasing
the gap widening

that familiar longing
for a eternal belonging

next time; all that i write; shall be in poetic code.

2005-01-14T23:28:00.000+08:00

Eye of the Storm

overcast skies
gloomy days
no sight of flight
it starts to rain

drops of rain
slight at first
then there's no refrain
like the sky had burst

on streets of seclusion
i walk alone
mind in motion
ease my soul

face my hands to the wind
and close my tired eyes
so soothing the wind has been
as it brushes me by

wet; my crown is now
like a fallen king
my only company is my frown
when silence sets in

rivers of sadness masked
by waterfalls of joy
their only purpose; their only task
to wash away my toil

too long drawn
i am out of form
no looking back from
the eye of the storm

semi-okay mood today, pissed by some stuff. sigh, it's okay i guess. i guess the poem says it all, a lone person standing in the pouring rain.

2005-01-13T23:49:00.000+08:00

i have a poem that i came up with today,

questions that fill the void,
answers left unsaid.
future foiled,
i feel like i'm starting to fade.
like the shadow of the night,
anxiety creeps into me,
i can no longer put up a fight.
is this all i can be?

sometimes i feel,
i don't want to know.
that when my layers are peeled,
i have nothing left to show.
no proof of sanity,
no sign of esteem.
only mediocrity,
to all i would seem.

shed my burdens,
and lift my spirits,
till i can't go any further,
and everything in life would fit.

life feels like a merry-go-round
where all is whizzing past,
and no familiar face can be found.
day turning into dusk,
what a journey it would be,
if i have you sitting next to me,
and we could go round and round,
till sanctity is found.

titled:moodswings(temporary)

talked to her a whole bunch today, progressing instead of retarding. anyway i got another poem, today's a literary day, kind of emotional though. she cried due to overload of pressure. here's a silly poem for everyone to lighten their day.

Julienne Julianne

peel, peel, peel.
poke, poke, poke.
rub, rub, rub.
rub-a-dub-dub.
my eraser's called Julianne
i cut her to a julienne.

slice, slice slice.
i like the thrill,
to take a pencil,
poke and drill.

ever since i held her
in my hands,
she became more
than just a friend.
she could fufill my desire
when i am in straits
more than dire.

peel, peel, peel.
i hope she doesn't feel,
the last moment
where she turns to nil.

i do not fear
the day she's gone.
i'll have another.
another torture subject's born.

uber bored today. all of us like in a BAD BAD FOUL mood. hahaha. hope things will turn out fine.

2005-01-12T18:59:00.000+08:00

okayy fine. i admit it. i like her. there, i said it, are you happy?! somehow i get this feeling that it'll never blossom, and though i am saddened by that fact, i never really hoped that it would. and i can't possibly just "go for it".

life on earth is so complicated, i don't know if it is caused by humans themselves or by nature life is like that.

even if i "go for it", things should be taken really slow now. i shouldn't let my mind be boggled. it need space for stuff like school, and health. LIKE REALLY SLOW. maybe i'll wait years, i don't know, no one does.

2005-01-11T21:11:00.000+08:00

OKAYY PEOPLE. i have no money. cut my hair today, look like a "small boy boy". urgh. felt guilty today cause i persuaded a friend to buy a pair of specs (not talking about you, jaciel). like $210 for the specs, and earlier in the month i like encouraged her to buy a PS2. like $700 gone due to my persuasion. guilty as a cat. but at least her mum reimbursed her for the specs.

AH!!!!! i like her specs!!!!!! sigh, wake up girl, you have no money.

there are so many things that i need to do this week, tmr i have presentation, thurs i got ICA, sat i have to go apply for SPCA and riding licence, monday i have another ICA. whatever. school is catching up with my laziness.

sigh, perhaps i do like someone, but i don't want to.

ugh. need to see the doctor, it's getting painful beyond my threshold. i need $$$ and diligence.

lord please please please take away my anxiety.

2005-01-10T21:33:00.000+08:00

though i keep saying i am an old person in a young body, i feel inexperienced at times. maybe it is because the mentality changed, i feel inexperienced now when it comes to the affairs of the heart.

can i ask you all, how do you know if you like someone?

like how shit. i am 20 yrs old and i am asking these type of questions. why do i like people but do not hope for them to be with me? maybe i am convincing myself to be alone. alone, lonely, lonliness.

i think i forgot how to even chase someone.

why do people that have so much worse characters than me can find someone who loves them? and that i can't?

dry periods. when will it ever end? love, will it ever start?

whatever. cranky old people are like that. tough luck for me.

bought ring today, engraved; "3518 $2 big $2 small" HAHAHA. personal joke. nevermind.

2005-01-08T13:50:00.000+08:00

why are all girls, that are my type, are either attached or straight? hahaha. maybe i'm destined to be alone. i should get used to it by now, staying at home and doing nothing all day.

did i ever said that i hate cliques and all the politics involved. no? well, now you know.

time to start mugging, i have an ICA this week and i haven't got a clue about the subject. oh plus a presentation about the eye, like how boring can. sigh.

time to join a cca, it's either string ensemble or band. i'm torn. and most probably joining as a regular volunteer at the SPCA. yesyes, laugh all you want, but i'm going to do something with my freefreefree time.

i need money, if i'm going to work, and be a regular volunteer, and have a cca, i really do not need to have a love life. has its good and bad sides. wahaha.

lonliness.

2005-01-05T20:59:00.000+08:00

poll: to pine or not to pine?

feeling fat. lost and bewildered too. i'm too expert in the art of saying "FUCK IT". now i'm not caring about everything, and all's beginning to pile up at school. wahahaha. come on everybody laugh at me.

NO ONE WANTS TO GO OUT WITH ME IN PRACTISE. all theories. what the hell. come on, dig some time for the pathetic little me.

kaini's doing orientation.
jay is NOT free.
marc's out of town.
all the rest are attached, nuff said.
oh, and btw, me and seg not REALLY that close ah, cannot go out.

i'm free free free. and broke broke broke.

my priorities are screwed up.

2005-01-04T20:23:00.000+08:00

the THING about (window) shopping, is that you realise that there are so many things that you ~~need~~ want but you cannot afford. it's not that i don't want to spend my money, the absence of dough is what makes my head ache. urgh.

20 years on earth and i still don't have a decent wardrobe. nothing proper to wear. i feel the feeling of patheticness again.

you know, i'm tired of being the nice one. sigh.

school is again boring. it seems so simple yet i am not listening to any lessons. need to apply for riding. like SOON.

SIGH

2005-01-03T18:38:00.000+08:00

the feeling, i just can't describe.

when one day, you feel a cool breeze blowing at you, hold your palms to the wind and let the breeze caress your palms. it really felt like the breeze was holding my hands, and that i was one with nature after such a long time. and then when i was so touched by the feeling, it started to drizzle. like the little tear remnants at the corner of Earth's eyes, falling onto me.

the feeling, i just can't describe.

i am now filled with so much awe for nature. no man's technology can overpower the forces nature keeps tame. biting the hand that feeds us is definitely not my philosophy of life.

oh and i got free lunch for 2 days from my classmates for getting 'tua-ed'. shiokness. sigh, i need my life back in some shape. socially, academically,relationship-wise, financially. aiyah, just progress, my life is at a fucking standstill.

2005-01-02T17:32:00.000+08:00

is it me or does the sky seems to be mourning the lost of 149,569 lives during the unleashment of Earth's wrath? it's been raining non-stop since december 26th.

let's pray for the souls of the dead.

2005-01-02T14:49:00.000+08:00

okay, sorry for not updating when i said i would.

friday (continued): went to watch phantom of the opera with jay and her friends. like total of 5 songs in total with only lyrics changed. i liked the plot but its kind of draggy. then dinner with them at mos burger. funny dinner may i add. after that i SPECIALLY went home early to wait for hl and ss, and they never turned up. wahahahaha. kena tua two times in a row.

patheticness.

saturday: went to koko's place to slack and eat. watch tv, addams' family. went for steamboat with her family and bought 6 tickets to meet the fockers. in the end left two of us with 4 empty seats. patheticness again can. but the show was nice. thinking of working with her at URS. hmm.

today: unexpectedly, when eating my lunch in front of the tv, i started crying over the lives lost during the tsunami tragedy. urgh. i feel pathetic again. sorrowful for the people who were loved by many, gone in a second. for children that may have a better future than me, snatched from their parents' grip. please do not let their deaths go without a reason, live life each day like it is your last.

if today's the last day of your life, would you have no regrets?

2004-12-31T14:05:00.000+08:00

i am officially the personification of patheticness. my classmates just cancelled on me. now i am stuck at home watching party in the park on channel i without any lunch. thank god (if there is one) for other friends. meeting jay and her friends later for dinner and movie. but no one is going to a countdown with me!!! sadness. always wanted to see how mox looks like and how's the crowd like. ANYWAY, i still have many years down the road to find that out.

hopefully, tomorrow i get to do what i have planned. going to koko's place and pig out on junk food and watch mtv. sounds nice to me. what a wasted weekend doing nothing. more updates later.

2004-12-30T21:14:00.000+08:00

happiness. i have no school tomorrow. and i still haven't packed my room yet. wondering what would the turn out be tomorrow. hahaha. maybe if all of them leave early then i can go town and join jaciel, but if her mum don't allow her to stay out then i am all ALONE. sadness. what a way to invite 2005.

i am having fun learning many different languages in school. tamil, hindi, japanese, and burmese. wahahahaha. i am a potential linguist. funfunfun. tired out man. i haven't been sleeping much this few days. blame it on the playstation.

-update- it is impossible to chase a fluttering dream. maybe it is time to look somewhere else.

2004-12-29T20:23:00.000+08:00

desperation. will someone go to a countdown with me?! MOX or ZOUK. you choose. i'm tired of running around and finding people to occupy my time. urgh. people! i am not a boring person! i will entertain for company! fair trade what. frustration.

school was kinda okay. i learnt tamil "i'm hungry", yan de ker pa see ker de. and i'm very good at "stand behind the yellow line". amusing, my tongue feels like cement when speaking in another language other than english. wahaha. retarded tongue.

i need something to do with my free time. all i do now is play the playstation. come friday, i'll be playing even more. that reminds me, i must pack my room. cannot let friends see the mess! got to maintain my image. let me try to do my resolutions

be neater
be more diligent
be richer
be less shy towards strangers

okay. simple eh? haha, i'm a simple person with complex needs. my resolutions are vague. whatever, i never keep them anyway. happy going-to-2005! -pops virtual champagne-

countdowns anyone?!

2004-12-28T20:07:00.000+08:00

wahaha. good weekend planned ahead methinks. playstation cum mahjong session this friday with my classmates. wahahaha. time for some serious(ly funny) racing. woke up early again today to get my lazy ass to school on time. glassware shopping during AP chem practical. CUTENESS. bingo during character development, collecting sweets during 2 hrs. wahahaha. funfunfun.

i think the tsunami has one of my classmates comtemplating about life and its frailty. actually, who hasn't been affected by it? at least i have. now i feel like telling everyone that i love them, because i do and i don't say it often enough, especially to my mum. to everyone reading this, I LOVE YOU! wahaha. shameless propaganda.

nobody loves me;
everbody hates me;
i'm gonna eat some worms.
long worms, short worms,
skinny worms, fat worms.

happy depressing songs. -sings-

2004-12-27T19:14:00.000+08:00

going to school after a long weekend partying, is very very VERY hard.

but i managed to wake up at 630am just to go to school for routines and boring lessons. school was kinda fun but i was tired since the start, and it doesn't help when you have no hot water to bathe with in the coldcold early morn. freezing showers are not the way you start a long day. okay, i am officially addicted to need for speed underground. and i am also officially irritated by the game at the same time.

now for serious stuff.

to all reading this, i mourn for the mass loss of lives from the tsunamis that occured today. with thousands dead, millions missing, and millions homeless, i feel a nagging pain in my chest. maybe that is how sadness for the world feels. all of us in Singapore should be overjoyed and thankful for not having to experience the type of chaos and cauldron of feelings during such a diaster. we are lucky to survive thus far, having our family members sleeping under the same roof, and have peace at our homeland. we could have been them, those on the news, worrying about loved ones or mourning their deaths. it just seems to me that we are complacent about what we have now, and we don't cherish the importance of living (not just lives).

Mother Earth doesn't seem to welcome us here anymore.

look at what we have done to her, look at all the damages, at all the taking but none of the giving. love the earth, people, as you would love thyself. Earth's wrath is more than deadly.

2004-12-26T09:57:00.000+08:00

i haven't been blogging for the last two days, so here i am! here's the lastest updates.

Christmas eve: after school, went to orchard to walk walk with classmates. walk til 1230 then we took a bus to my place to play mahjong. as there were more than 4 people there, some played playstation. ended up with all of us playing playstation, and all racing each other in needforspeed underground. hahaha. guess who's champion! mememe!! wahahaha. about 530 they all left for their own programmes and i got ready to attend my grandma's birthday dinner at some wooloo restaurant called REDSTAR. hahaha. the dinner was very funny with 4 old women and 4 young ones, especially my eldest aunty and grandma. i love my family, and i miss her cooking. then we went back to grandma's place for mahjong! i won 3 experienced players (maybe just beginner's luck) and winnings of 15 buckaroos!! wahahaha. went home and sleep.

Christmas: woke up at 845 and got ready to go to sentosa. met my classmates there, like 6 of us only. wahahaha. go there by cab (due to massive crowds), played beach volleyball (which ALL of us didn't know how to play), ate junk food, played chinese chess (don't laugh), waded in the dirtydirty water with tyre tubes. hahaha. bathed and went back to mainland. ate dinner with ss and ptk with huili's company. took a slow ass ride on the mrt home and slept on the way. reached home, plopped onto the sofa and slept til now.

Boxing day: i just woke up, my mum and bro is amusing. arguing about what rubbish to throw out of the house. like what is the definition of rubbish. hahaha. my mum is apparently very emotionally attached to her stuff, while my bro is not. she's keeping stones and my brother is throwing them away. like how interesting. hmm. thinking of resting at home today, maybe play a bit of ps. provided no one asks me out.

2004-12-23T20:55:00.000+08:00

i skipped school due to inability to open thy eyes. wahahhaha. meet fajar at PS and hung out at the arcade punching bags, making fun of people, checking out the girls, seeing him dance para. later on about 5, michymich came down. HOW FUN. the whole bitching group! watching they two dancing made me feel like a rusty robot trying to get a groove. wahahaha. must watch and learn. must meet them again soon, today was too short to enjoy every single minute.left early to eat dinner with mummy dearest. wahahah. duck porridge again, i'm addicted.

christmas eve is tomorrow, and it doesn't mean much to me given the fact that i don't really believe in God. ohkay, religious ranting to be saved for another time. i have half-day at school, so instead of ending at 5, i end at 1. yay! and classmates coming over for some hard-core mahjong. shit, my grandma's dinner tomorrow, and i wonder if i can make it. sigh i miss her (and her cooking). will try my best. going to monks tomorrow i think. and for next friday, i must find out about the mardi gras celebration at clarke quay and find people to spend the new year with.

ah, and i need money. cause everything else needs it. okay, i will go on sunday provided that i have a reason/excuse to join them. one phrase made me decide, "feet fail me not, this may be the only opportunity that i got." ripped of eminem's songs.

wahahaha, i hope it's not the only opportunity. and i hope i won't screw up.

2004-12-22T22:03:00.000+08:00

you ~~can be~~ are that fake, i didn't realise. show me otherwise then, i will be glad if you were to prove me wrong.

2004-12-22T20:55:00.000+08:00

went to school late for CHIAM's lesson. she is damn naggy and long winded man. i cannot believe she is my class tutor. was an okay today i guess in school.

the fun begins at 3 pm! met my rambo and her friends at dover mrt. tagged along to go orchard to do their christmas shopping. damn funny the whole day, rambo had "tao hua yuan" with 5 girls can. hahaha. just tripping/stepping on people. coincidentally all woman. wahahaha. i made fun of her saying she purposely trip on them to talk to them.

-falls on rambo- are you okay? -start touching shoulders-

wahahaha. funfunfun bangbangbang.

anyway, talking to rambo, i realised that though i have moved on alot from that time, but there's always a sort of care that remains for her in me. and though i don't want it to exist, it does and i cannot deny it. and i don't wanna show her, she doesn't deserve it, i don't want her to be any smug-ger. i won't always be there for her, and if she is happy/sad/angry it doesn't concern me. i can never trust her anymore as a lover. i am doubtful of her intentions as a friend. cause she never wants to clarify.

good luck to everything that YOU CHOOSE to do.

tired. outz. thanks for the earring rambo. merry xmas. :D

2004-12-21T22:10:00.000+08:00

school is boringg today. 3 hrs of crap.

AH!! and !! the !! dateline that i have on my hand!! this sunday?! i have no time!! need to cuy/dye hair! need to get a new wardrobe! need to do everything before sunday?! mission:impossible. QUEEN!!! help?

went out fajar today, go arcade punch bag, watch him dance his robot moves. met his gf at paragon. makan, went to bank for ages, den go back to plaza singapura to book christmas feast and buy bling bling earstud. bumped into xue`er. wahahaha. like how fun talking to her. but her gf like so shy. wahahha. will catch up with her soon.

help help, take away my anxiety. what should i do?

2004-12-20T18:49:00.000+08:00

contemplation about the chance gathering with seg. argh, super-duper-undecided now. and time is ticking!! i think she's sick :( oh well. get well soon seg! my earrings are amusing/irritating at the same time. like i forget that i have them and i take out my tshirts with such zest, it hurts. urgh i cannot wait for it to heal faster! well well another outlet of money for me, scared to think of how much i will spend on buying new earstudrings.

ate lunch with my raaammbooo. why are there no nice girls for her?! -screams to the world- all my single friends deserve someone nice. if i were a femme, i'll jump her. WAHAHA. cuteness. take queue number ladies cause this machomacho rambo is mine. yesyes, she's my rambo and i'm her stupid bimbotic arse. unsuspectingly, my friends celebrated my birthday with two other december babies today in FC5, and i got a tshirt! yes people, i need clothes desperately, ignore the rest on my wishlist first. and i think it was my rambo's birthday not too long ago. HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAMBO! oh yes, and i put my waitressing skills to use today by taking 6 people's orders. KFC aunty and all the people behind me were complaining like mad.

order: two zinger meals, one drink change to milo, one drink upsize to medium rootbeer, one of the cheese fries change to whipped potato. one bandito meal, and one bandito no meal. colonel's special, crispy, one drumstick one thigh. popcorn shaker meal, garlic pepper, take away.
price: $26.00

wahahaha. i was an arse in FC5 today. don't you agree? ohohoh, and CRS was fun today, i got to bang EVERYONE! LOL. fun-ness can. bangbangbang, everyone got shot down. i want to buy gwen stefani's solo album!!! another addition to my wish list. sigh, why does almost everything need money!?

poll: to see or not to see.?

2004-12-19T23:25:00.000+08:00

wahahaha. pierced my ears today, totally hilarious (or hysterical). i just mentioned that i was thinking of getting my ears pierced and they two buggers just walked happily to 77th street and made me pierce them. when i was sitting on the stool i was like "ohmygawd, ohmygawd, ohmygawd." then the shop assistant was so not helping by laughing at me, she's quite cute by the way. haha. then she pierced my left first and i had NOTHING to say, seriously nothing. words couldn't form, it wasn't the pain, it was the anticipation of the "PAK" sound. then when she was going to pierce my right, she was instructed by my "good" friend to count down.

she: "three, two..."
me: "AH! nonono. don't count!"
she: -stopped counting, started giggling-
piercing gun: "PAK!"
she: "this is for you" -hands alcohol bottle-

ah, made a fool of myself. now i am stuck with 2 metal studs in my ears for like dunno-how-long, my life long pride of being holeless is gone down the drain. oh well. at least my mum said it makes my BIG FAT face look smaller. i think that is a compliment.

yay, and i am meeting my rambo for lunch in FC5 tomorrow. should i meet seg with a mutual friend?! i am undecided. didn't know i would that shy towards a girl can. ahhh. help me boost my self-esteem! please! anyone?

anyhow, koko and rusty were damn funny today. like banging each other/or our exes all day long. making fun of me and seg like no tomorrow. and damn funny cause koko's mum made "tao hua" steamed fish, and asked us to eat cause we will have "tao hua yun" (lucky in love). and we were like, you must eat more, no you must eat more. hahaha. enjoying these sessions. :D

2004-12-19T14:01:00.000+08:00

on my way out to meet koko and rusty. lol. would be interesting i gather. ahhh. i wanna see seg.

to rambo: i'll shop for ribbons for you; red is SO yesterday. -acts bimbotic-

2004-12-18T23:09:00.000+08:00

today was somewhat fun i guess. met up with marc and kaini (JC classmates). finally passed her her 45 cm long chopsticks, she collects them by the way. haha, and we had a free trip! didn't need to bring ez link card! driven in a volvo by marc. damn smooth ride can? went to a book fair at ubi ave 2 and i bought 4 books for $26. kind of regretted but i like my books alot!

The International Design Yearbook. Editted by Philippe Starck. <$12>
On The Loose, Melissa Ruth <$4>
The House At Pooh's Corner <$6> (okay, this was a guilty indulgence due to relic cover)
Mother Goose On The Loose <$4> (don't laugh! it's a funny book)

Yay! and i had a VERY belated birthday treat from marc tham (boss for the day) at thai express! hahah, i love the friends i have. ah, tinge of guiltiness towards him, must remember his birthday! oh, and stupid him say i remind him of EDNA MODE of incredibles. like what the hell can.

anyway, this goes out to my HOLE. STOP LAUGHING.

oh and things are picking up for seg and me. :) -huge grin- slow, but progressing.

2004-12-18T01:23:00.000+08:00

ohkay. thanks to my hole, i realised that i may be a bimbo in disguise.

me(msn): i can't put up my comment box, frustration
hole: why like that?
me: fuck u
hole: fuck u right back
me: sorry i meant fuck up. i forgot the P.

like what?! and on her blog i tagged her the same thing like 3 times. wanted to admit i was a bimbo and i tagged her the confession 2 times. LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. ahh.

i am such an arse.

-dedicated to my hole-

"THANKS for making me feel so GOOD about myself!"

2004-12-17T18:55:00.000+08:00

i have the worst splitting hell of a migraine/headache today. my head feels like it's giving birth to quadruplets of small brains. arggh, and the right side of my skull is like HUGE compared to the left. tumour i guess maybe who knows? urgh. my mother isn't helping by asking me stupid questions like "this remote control is for what huh?", "you got headache, so how ah?", "then you got headache not eating ah?". ahh. irritating.

school was totally boring due to this looong 2 hr break. but at least lunch was nice. nothing much but that.

seg hasn't replied, and i am waiting anxiously. thumpthumpthump.

thumpthumpthump goes my head too.

2004-12-16T18:06:00.000+08:00

oh yes, before i forget, there on the mrt bound for boonlay had the cutest girl(besides small eyed girl). wearing an vintage adidas green tank top and hipster levi's 593 waist size 25. oh my, her hair is gorgeous. and like some idiot i ~~secretly~~ took pictures of her. wahaha. beautiful things need to be admired you know. and she studies in my school! purple lanyard means design school i think. haha, nearby! :P

how to post the pictures!!! -frustrated-

2004-12-16T17:38:00.000+08:00

tomorrow's the GCE 'N' Level results, and there are many people i know that will be biting their nails at school. "Lord, take away my anxiety." Even though i am not religious, but i am open to the fact that there may be a higher order.

to those preparing for the worse, good luck and everything will work out just fine.

school was ~~boring~~ unproductive today. like no lessons at all, i am not complaining but i need to get myself back from the holiday mood. argh, can i just heck it and ask my small eyed girl out? haha. who am i kidding? look at me, so not her type can. haha, this reminds me of the gender label issue.

i visited the herstory website and saw that there is a new "pageant" for andros. can anyone tell me what is a andro? or what classifies a person an andro? then what about butches?! oh my god, everyday i am more and more confused about "labels" and what consititutes being a "lesbian". what the hell. ~~debates~~ discussions anyone?

ah, i am in love with the holiday inn mtv and the air force one song/your woman song.

okay that was out of point. as i was ~~saying~~ typing, according to the dictionary to be a lesbian means a woman whose sexual orientation is to a woman. but that is just words on paper, what is exactly the mental/emotional aspect attachment to the word? where is there labels when all you want to love is another woman? if you feel like man trapped in a woman's body, doesn't that make you a transgender instead of a homosexual. you should not call yourself a lesbian if you are thinking of a sex change because that is just wrong. but if to wear ~~somewhat~~ like a man has the sole purpose of succumbing to the norms of society (that a relationship should have a "male" or dominant role and a "female" or submissive role), then to some level it is acceptable. it is acceptable because no one wants the offensive stares and awkward public attention, but it is not right in my mind due to aligning yourselves to the mainstream by compromising your integrity/self-acknowledgement or in other words you are giving in to the majority. in this world, boundaries start to blur and everything has an intermediate/grey areas, there's no more telling what is what because everyone feels differently towards different subjects.

let's compare the gays and the lesbians (no offence intended). gays are less accepted in society as compared to the lesbians. why? aren't we actually the same? one's sexual orientation is to the same sex. but you see, the difference lies not just in the dressing but the media too. let's say in a situation where there are 5 different couples walking down the paveway at randomly different times, holding hands.

a heterosexual/"normal" couple
a gay couple
a couple with a transgender
a butch and a femme
a couple of two "seemingly normal" lesbian women.

which couple will raise the highest brows? i can tell you for sure that couple no. 2 will take that prize with no competition. the ranking would be from highest to lowest, 2-4-3-5-1. the difference in 5 and 2 is mainly due to the media. how many advertisements show two women enjoying each other's company? from lingerie to alcohol to practically everything. it's called the lipstick lesbian appeal. appealing to most men and all women, gay or straight. but not just the media but society's stereotypical obsession with everything. men are too "manly" to hold hands as a friend, but women holding hands is "typical" of a woman behaviour. whatever!

society is bullshit, so let's rage against the system!

okay i am blabbering, so i shall shut up already. that's enough mind snacks for everyone. think about it and hit back. i'm open to new opinions.

enjoy. :D

2004-12-15T22:45:00.000+08:00

today was tiring but nonetheless fufilling. went to school in dover with a pair of bulky blades just to lug them around school for 5 hours and then lug them all the way back to ECP. that stupid josh. bladed for about 1 and a half hours before makan. note: first time i ate duck porridge and it's nice! wahaha. i want more. first times are nice, especially when it's memorable. oh, and please do not eat porridge with beer because poor josh had a tummyache. maybe he's just weak. haha, but i ate the same and no aches whatsoever.

-points at josh and laughs out loud-

but he was nice enough to treat me to half a can of coke and half a big bottle of heineken. don't worry josh, i'll pray to God that you'll find someone that is as nice as you.

planning my mahjong sessions with my classmates but it seems to go in circles. clubbing on xmas eve/new year's eve anyone? must start messaging friends out. need to make more kakis also. wahaha. i like this life. school was good today excluding the stupid heavy blades that made everyone stare at me la. THAT STUPID JOSH (i hope you are reading this, lol).

argh, i want the n.gage q.d. but i wouldn't trade my s700i for anything.

and i realised something, i am so much happier because i don't feel hindered by anything anymore. yay for me. i need to learn how to take photos, break dance, play guitar, make friends without being shy.

2004-12-14T18:09:00.000+08:00

omg. i lost 4 FUCKING KG! is that good or bad? i am now 51kg! going back to square one! haha, then why do i feel flabbier somehow? but i like my abs can! i need the side workouts and lower abs to perfect it. exercise kakis anyone? :D

2004-12-14T08:33:00.000+08:00

okay, last night was quite crap considering what she told me. but then again, it made me realise lots of stuff (again!). i don't know what she really wants me to do/react, or what she wants/expect from me. if i was supposed to feel jealousy, maybe a little. if i was supposed to feel okay with it, then i am. but yesterday though some words made a hard smack to my head, it was with a tinge of amusement after all the drama. well, take it as it comes now, i can live with what i have.

and yes! i found out more about someone and it's so exciting can?! woo, blood rush. when was the last time my heart thumped that hard i cannot recall.

and some of my friends are still not replying to anything! urgh, whatever.

school was fun! i banged my class tutor, my friends, and myself so much today that my stomach hurts. oh and i have a very funny indian lecturer.

i like tuesdays.

2004-12-13T10:56:00.000+08:00

today's the first day of my semester 2 year 1. it was quite fun considering that i only had 2 hours of sleep last night and that school lasted from 8 to 5. and the only thing that sucked today was, that things can be so deceiving. "Is Seeing Believing?" i read, looked interesting so i joined. what a mistake that was, instead of optical illusions/paranormal activities, they give us vision and visual acuity (myopia and other eye diseases). what the f**k! oh well, life goes on.

looking forward to the new semester in one aspect, because after this i'll be a year 2! whoopedoo. haha. planning next mahjong session with classmates. looking for clubbing kakis too. plus maybe something extra on the side. lol. who am i joking? oh oh oh, waiting for some people to reply to my messages.

people change, friends change, you change and i change. but for better or for worse, that is the question. you've changed, and so have i. i have a life that i need to colour up right now. your life is for your own choices, i will not meddle cause you will have no one to blame but yourself.

i like who i am now, really. bite me.

2004-12-12T09:43:00.000+08:00

Oh my god. school is starting tomorrow and i'm still not ready to go back to school! i haven't had my fill of fun and rub-a-dubbing at clubs. sigh, 5 weeks of holidays seem to have passed too fast by me.

5 weeks of shite, may i add.

you know it is hard for me to move on when it seems to me that you're living it up. you've changed, and so did i. but at least i think i have changed for the better. what about you? and ps, stop messing with my mind. you know i think too much.

well, starting over again. i feel like i am 17 all over. back in year one, back to being single. haha, life has a funny way of repeating stuff. let's hope things turn out for the better. oh and yes, why are people ignoring me?! messages gone unreplied, handphone sms, msn, friendster blah etc. am i that unlovable/irritating. ah whatever, another day gone just like that. i spent the morning dreaming two very weird dreams. one was with my small-eyed girl, and another i became a superhero protecting the very friend that is ignoring me. weird.

tell me, was loving you something so sinister that i am paying for it right now?

only time will tell, i guess.